I don't know everything about living. All these blog posts of mine that say what you should do or what would help is just me trying to figure out anyway to improve my life. If it helps you, that makes me so happy. But it's not me telling you what you have to do. It's me just trying to come up with ideas. These ideas stem from me wondering why or wanting more. I'm going to be honest and say that a lot of my own blog posts and ideas have not helped me. But that doesn't mean they can't help anyone. They just personally have done nothing for me. But I leave them up with the hope that maybe somebody can use them. I'm not going to take them away just because it doesn't help me. Not everything's meant to help me.
But onto my original point, honestly I get sad frequently because I don't feel like I'm living life. I don't know what it will take. I sit at home all day. I don't see any of my friends in person anymore. I don't know what kind of life I want, but I know it's more than this. Embarrassingly enough, I want to cry right now. Cry for the life that I'm missing out on because I don't know how to put myself out there and into life. I will continue trying to think of what I need to do. Feel free to comment. If anybody reads this at all. <3
Forever searching.
I've felt this same exact discontent; to an extent, I still do. I always feel like I'm not living my life to the fullest - there's so much more that I know I want to do. Honestly, the only thing holding me back right now is[a certain strictly conservative member of my] family. It's not so much that I fear speaking my mind - I do that all of the time, and I've been thrown out of the house for it many times. I know that if I really wanted it, and I cared about my own happiness before hers, I could make it -- it would be stressful, and it would be a struggle, but I could do it. But I'm not that cruel. I love my mom, even though we hardly see eye-to-eye anymore, and I know that if my mom tried to cut me out, she would, and she would do it for good. I've come to the conclusion that it's not worth losing my mom over, so instead, I've decided to bide my time and wait - even though. for the time being, I have to worry about where I'm going to sleep at night, if I ever act or speak too liberally. I have fears of facing my own future, which is really pathetic, I know - but the fear of not living it at all is far greater, and one day - all I really want is to have the dignity of choosing my own path in life.
ReplyDeleteI also don't see my childhood friends anymore [including from my teenage years]. None of them. The move to and from Arkansas changed all of that for me; I saw sides of my friends that I never knew were there before. Even though I'm okay with that change - I'm the one that opted for it; I didn't want them there anymore - the sadness of it all still softly lingers in the back of my mind. I never wanted things to turn out that way. Still, even though it wasn't a painless decision, I do know that things have gotten better because of that decision, and that helps keep my chin up. I'm also very grateful for the friends that I have now, and I'm really grateful that you're one of them, Wave. ♥
And, now I'm rambling. lol. But, I really do understand this a lot, if it's any consolation to you that you're definitely not alone. ♥ I love you, Wave.
Thanks Jamie. :) I love you too. ♥ I'm so sorry. It's toughing to try to live when you feel confined into a box. And your fears aren't pathetic at all. You say you're waiting right now? I know waiting feels so long and like you're wasting time. But I've come to realize that after you're done waiting it doesn't feel like you've lost much or any time at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful for your friendship too. I don't know what I would have done this year without it. ♥
Thank you for all you've said. It means a lot. It also helps to know that someone else understands.